Saturday, October 13, 2007

I Can Feel My Friends...

and their strength and love preparing me for this week. I really wish you all realized how much it means to me to have everyone standing beside me as I go into this week. A lot could go right but so much more can go wrong and just knowing that you all will be there to help lift me back up or to celebrate with me, means more than you will ever know.

Some time over the past week I made some realizations that apparently hadn't yet set in. Some were probably just so obvious that I didn't bother thinking about it that way. Others, I realize I hadn't really allowed myself to think about. So what are these realizations?

Well, first I realized how much I value my mind. Now this one was probably just an obvious one that I wasn't paying attention to but it hit me head on while reading a post on a group of those with brain tumors. It came a bit out of no where as I read the struggles of one of the members and their journey to learn to spell again after completely losing the ability. I thought to myself that this would be horrible and that the only thing worse would be losing my ability to remember. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that these very things could happen to me. This brought along the dead obvious thing. This is exactly why I've made the decisions I have AND why I have said that I would rather have a shortened life than one without my mind intact. I made a point to again discuss with my husband my wishes. To me, I feel this is one of the worst things in the world that can happen to someone... especially one that loves knowledge.

I finally got through that realization, only to have another one hit me over the head when reading a blog. No matter how many advances are made in the treatment of brain tumors, at this time a Glioma is a terminal illness. It will never go away even if it appears to. It WILL come back and I will die with it if not from it. This could be no problem for I may never have problems from it, but it could also end my life early. Now, you have to realize that I have fully accepted that this thing will likely take my life some day and that it will probably be sooner rather than later. The realization I had was that I have a terminal illness. Does this change anything I'm doing? Not really but it was something that can take you by surprise all the same.

Anyway, as I struggled to step above this and continue to focus on the tasks at hand, I read messages from my friends who poured love and prayers my way. Some, I have never met, yet the strength I get from them is amazing. In case I don't say it enough, I love all of my friends and I wish you all peace and happiness. Thank you for everything.

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