Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Because I Respect His Opinion

I've been a bit down and gone into a complete thinking mode of late because of a conversation with my Chiropractor. I saw him earlier in the week for the first time since I saw the NeuroSurgeon. (We had talked on the phone about what happened at the doctor but we haven't actually seen each other.) Needless to say, I left his office with a ton of "food for thought".

John had seen him prior to this, so he was aware that we were researching into Gamma Knife. However, it appears that John hadn't told him about my decision to stall on the biopsy. I could tell that this took him by surprise. I must say, he was a bit disappointed with my decision even if he assured me he was sure I had my reasons. He went along the same lines as John did the very first time I brought it up, "wouldn't it be better to know." Although I was honest with him and told him I felt that the NS was CYA, he thought there was probably more to it. He said we see specialists, that see this many times, for a reason... their experience. I'm not saying I disagree with this but I also am still not certain that now is the time to do this. (Keep in mind, with my history, surgery is always a risk and any chance of problems at this stage is too much.)

You see, as I have said time and time again, I am not your typical 28 year old. As a preface for what I am about to say, I love my husband, I love my son, and I love my friends and I would do anything to have them in my life forever. Ok, with that said, I'm not afraid to die and if given 10 years to finish raising my son, I will receive it with open arms. Some may call that selfish but try to look at it from my side for just a minute:

I have a brain tumor. When and if this thing ever starts causing me problems some of the symptoms will be as follows: Seizures and left side paralysis... Those are the two that I am most worried about for this explanation. Now either of these two things will do a number of things. I will no longer be able to work, which means we will be losing an income. Doctors bills, medication, and who knows what else will rack up the dollar amounts which will make it even more of a struggle. With either of the things, I will be a huge burden on those around me. I will likely be unable to drive, possibly unable to walk and care for myself, and will have to rely on those around me to take care of me.

For me, the worst thing is being a burden on those I love. Yes, they will tell me until their face turns blue that it would all be worth it to have me there with them, but that whole scenario is unfair for everyone involved. It's unfair for my husband who would have to be my main caregiver, unfair for my friends and family that would have to watch the decline, and unfair for me who would have to "live" with these issues. I'm sorry but there is a time when a person is no longer "living" but rather existing. So from my point of view, dying is a release to all of those involved. My family would have grief for a short while as they mourned my passing but it would get better and they would move on. If it does become long and drawn out, the struggle, the pain, and the grief would be unnecessarily drawn out, all for it to be the same outcome in the end. No one lives forever and I don't plan on being the first.

So at this time in my life, I am simply wanting to delay the inevitable for a minimum of 10 years. By then, my son will have moved on, maybe even found him someone to take care of him in the form of a wife. That's my primary concern. I have said this time and time again, "I would love to dance with my husband at our 60th wedding anniversary, but if it isn't meant to be, I know he will be ok and he will find someone to take care of him."

In conclusion to this post, I do respect my Chiropractor's opinion and that is why I did some heartfelt thinking on this again this week and visited the decisions before me. However, I have returned to my original conclusion, it just isn't worth it right now. In ten years if they truly think it would benefit me and we could stop this thing before getting me into the above scenario, I'll consider the biopsy, but for now it's just not a risk worth taking. I realize others would have a hard time just "walking away" from this unknown foreign object in their brain, but I honestly have no desire to know and if there is nothing we are able\willing to do for it, why go through this unnecessary procedure. I really don't think I need a "hole in the head" right now.

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