Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Had an Argument with God

I told a very good friend yesterday that I had an argument with God and her reply was simply, "And who won?" I don't remember what my response was but it should have been, "We agreed to a compromise." That sounds like a fitting description of what we did.

Now some people that know me very well would take a step back at that first paragraph and call the men in white coats to come get me. Why? Well you see, most would not be able to believe that I could come to a compromise when my family's welfare are at stake. That's not what you expected me to say is it? You see I am not a fighter. Many would say I'm one of the most even tempered people you can meet. Unless you start messing with my family. You could sit in front of me and call me every name in the book and hold a gun to my head, and I would sit back quietly waiting for a moment to strike where I could not fail. However, if you did the same thing to my husband or son, I would be on you like a wildcat. The few people who have truly seen me in this state know that I'm not one to be messed with. After all, my family is my strength, my life. You don't mess with my family. So, yes, many would be surprised that I would ever compromise when my family's welfare are at stake.

However, when you are arguing with the "man upstairs", you have to know that you will not win the argument but that he will make compromises. So what happened to make me take on this battle? Well, some time over the weekend, I finally "broke". I proceeded to tell God that he didn't know me as well as he thought and that he'd given me more than I could handle. I told him I was not happy with him, that I felt he was (segment edited because I don't wish to repeat what I really said), and that I wished he'd just stop what he was doing and address this thing... After at least 30 minutes of this, I finally emotionally "broke" and apologized for my words but expressed my frustrations at what I am going through.

Finally, we came to the center of the argument and I addressed with him what exactly it was he wanted me to do. Here he is putting me in a situation where there is no right path. There is no right answer. No matter what I do, the risks are astronomical and the signs he is sending me are all conflicts. I realized that the reason he was giving me these choices is because he doesn't lay out our paths but rather he lays out a set of paths for us to choose and follow. Many times, I have chosen the difficult path and come out just fine. However, I could always see that one path was the right one and one was the wrong one so, whichever I chose, I knew what I was about to face. This time, neither path is labeled. There is no right path and there is no wrong path. The two paths are intertwined and can go either way. He has confidence in my ability to deal with whichever path I choose, even if I don't have that same confidence.

In the end, I realized that he was giving me the freedom to make my decision because he knows that is where I am strong. I announced that evening to him which path I would pursue, made him promise to take care of my family regardless of where I end up, and asked him to give me the sign when the time was right. He gave me his agreement to the argument, as I went on to meditate that evening. I fully expected my visual meditations to take on the form of a dark a dreary day since that was how I felt consciously that night. (My visual meditation tends to reflect my mood) However, instead, it was a gorgeous scene with beautiful, crystal clear waters, brilliant clouds, and serenity. I knew right then that God had accepted the compromise and he would lead me where I was supposed to go and when we finally meet, he will ensure that my family is taken care of until they feel the same peace.

So what decision did I make? I hate to leave you hanging but that's for another entry and unfortunately right now, I have other priorities to attend to. Stay Tuned.

(I had every intention on writing the second entry at this time but about three quarters of the way through this entry, I received a call from my mom. My Great Aunt, whom has been sick for some time with various forms of cancer including metastatic brain cancer, has been given less than 24 hours. They do not believe she will come back this time and honestly, as bad as she's been, I'm not sure it's the thing for her to do. Please keep her in your thoughts for a safe passage to be with God and give my family the strength they need to deal with this. Thank You and God Bless.)

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