Wednesday, December 26, 2007

We Bear Our Own Crosses

I hope everyone had a fabulous Christmas and made many special memories. I had a very nice Christmas. Now that Christmas is over, I am thinking towards the future. It would be very easy to get into a funk of "why me" right now, but I'm not going to let myself do that. I have many things going through my mind, but by remembering that we all have our own crosses to bear and tests to live through, I am able to look at the future with a bright tone.

I received a call from my NeuroSurgeons Chief Resident today to give me the results of my EEG and MRI. They were what I've already gotten so there were no surprises there. He, of course, is standing by his feeling that I should have the open biopsy and probably sooner than later. I stand by my feeling that if I should decide on it, it will be come June and no sooner if possible. Furthermore, I've basically decided that if I do choose to do this, I'd rather them go in with the intention to remove the tumor rather than just the biopsy. They are only going in once so they might as well get it all the first time. I feel he will not be agreeable to this. At which time I go with plan B which is the second opinion doctor I saw who wanted to do surgery in the first place. I was taken enough by him that I have no problems going to him if that's what it takes.

As I said, we all have our crosses to bear. Mine just happens to affect the very essence of who I am. This thing may possibly be changing. Is it change? Is it the fact that they changed coils? Is it pressure from my ongoing sinus infection causing the "change"? Is it the fact I road some roller coasters two months ago? No one really has the answers to these questions. This is why I'd like to see another MRI before coming to a decision. Who knows, this thing could go the reverse in the next MRI and if I did something now, no one will ever know that miracle occurred. :)

It's still difficult for me to consider doing something when I am sitting here as normal as can be. My brain is perfect. For Christmas, I received some Nintendo DS games that are along the lines of what I love to do. "Brain Age", "Flash Focus", and "Big Brain Academy" are the games in question. I love playing these types of things. Interestingly enough I score very well on all of these even getting platinum medals in Big Brain and 30 and below in the others. I realize without knowing the game, it's impossible to understand what these mean but trust me when I say these are not scores that someone with brain damage is going to get. Therefore, yes I have a tumor in my brain but no I don't think it's worth going after right now. I value being able to do that kind of thing and kick butt at it, losing that would be horrible, especially if it was when we were trying to prevent that from happening. *sigh*

I wish God would hurry up and let me in on a bit more of this puzzle. He's promised me to give me obvious signs when it is time to take the next step. In the meantime, I just need to continue studying for this test and trudge up the hill bearing my cross. I am waiting for his sign and then I will take the steps necessary to keep me healthy as long as possible.

1 comment:

  1. I don't know if my opinion matters, but I think you are doing the right thing. As far as you know you've had this thing your whole life and it hasn't prevented you from having a whole life in the sense of a fulfilling one. Nothing needs to be rushed.

    Since I haven't been here since the beginning of your story may I ask how did you go about finding out you had a tumor?