Just Some Thursday Morning Musings

Last night and again this morning I had some time to sit back and think about the things that are sitting before me. As I said last night, the fact I have a brain tumor is my cross to bear and is the weight I must carry. I have said many times and have even had a doctor tell me, there is no correct path in this situation. I am moving along a road and I can see a fork somewhere up ahead and one or both of the roads can be the right road as easily as one or both of the roads can be the wrong road. In my life, I have always been one to go against the odds. My husband and I were young lovers who have seen the odds and spit on them. All the many things in life I have defeated the odds. This isn't to say this will be one of them, but when the world says they would go in here and listen to the doctors... I will take the path less traveled. I hope this makes sense because I'm just typing and not really paying much attention. This is completely from my heart. I guess that I am just seeing the two roads up ahead very clearly with the two decisions clearly defined. One road is surgery and is a well worn path. The other road is to continue to watch and has grass to my knees. I enjoy walking through grass. I think, for now, that is the path I will continue on.

Here's another way of looking at it. It's a little comparison that clicked in my head some time yesterday. You are a healthy, young athlete that suffered a sport related injury to your leg. The doctor requests an MRI. In the MRI, they detect that your knees are badly disintegrating and you will need knee replacement surgery. They want to do this surgery now, even though you are young and healthy with no problems with your knee. Would you let them do it? Of course you wouldn't. If you are having problems with your knee, surgery wouldn't be a second thought because the only place it could go is up. However, when you are healthy the only place it can go is down. No matter how you look at it, a knee replacement can NOT become an upgrade due to various factors. At least not when your knees are not giving you problems.

Well, now you look at my situation. I am healthy and young and value the very essence of my mind and personality. As seen by the games I mentioned yesterday, there is nothing wrong with my mind. Without any obvious outward signs, something has been found in my head that they say needs to come out or at least be evaluated so that a treatment can be determined. Why would I want them going in there when again, the only possible outcome is a downgrade? I don't care how good the doctor is. I don't care how amazing technology is. You do NOT go into a person's head without causing a downgrade of some kind. Sure, maybe it would be so minimal that I wouldn't even notice but even one minor mental decrease is a downgrade.

Now look at the two scenarios I laid out. They are telling you that your knee is going to start giving you problems. You understand that. However, in the long term you will be able to live better not doing this right now but rather waiting. The same goes for my scenario. As long as I am not having any problems, I can live better prior to surgery than after having it. I don't care what anyone says, once I agree to surgery, nothing will ever be the same and every little minor thing will have them either wanting to go back in or changing my life with other treatment. There is a time when the tough decision to wait needs to be made. I could still be 20 years from this thing causing me symptoms, just like the knee could be 20 years from breaking down to the point it lowers your life abilities. Why would you trade in those 20 years now?