I went Three for Three

Ok, I posted about how I had found a friend on MySpace. Well, I had actually found two friends on MySpace that I wanted to find again. They have both replied to me. It's kinda exciting to find those that you have thought about but been away from for so long. I think the last time I saw them was 10-11 years ago but they would frequently come to my mind. I had found one of them previously on MySpace but hadn't worked up the courage to message her. I guess if there is anything good that has come out of my diagnosis, it's that I no longer put things off to tomorrow when I can do something today. I'm so glad I did!!! It's really exciting to find out what those that meant a lot to you as a child are doing.

Anyway, I did say that I'm three for three. The third person I didn't find on MySpace but rather on my former school's website. She was a teacher I had that made a huge difference in my life. I emailed her to let her know how much she meant to me and to thank her for everything. She replied and she was happy I had done so. She really was a teacher that carried me through so many years. They say that most times there is a single teacher that can make a difference in a child's life. Well, she was that teacher for me so it meant a lot that I was able to find her and thank her. As it turns out, it's a good thing I did so now because she is planning on retiring after next school year.

Now I have one more friend from my early years that I hope to locate but I don't believe she's on MySpace. I will hopefully run into her folks again. I see them every now and then at the store. If not, I can always give them a call and see if they have any info for me. That's for another day though.

God works in mysterious but wonderful ways.

Finding Friends on the Internet

The Internet is a wonderful tool for finding old friends and meeting new ones. I have been blessed over the years to have met tons of great people online. Some of them I have been blessed to meet in real life and we have become the best of friends. Others I speak with only online but we are able to share hardships, fun, and give each other support. I wouldn't trade my online friends for anything.

However, there is another way that the Internet can be used to stay in touch with friends. I am able to "speak" on a frequent basis to several of my friends from school, that it would be difficult to stay in touch with otherwise. This allows us to stay close even in our busy lives.

This week, I was able to utilize the Internet in yet another way. I was bored one evening and decided to see if there was anyone new from my high school on Myspace. Well, there wasn't anyone that I was interested in so I thought it would be interesting to see if there was anyone I recognized from my grade school on there. I was lucky enough to recognize a few and one in particular jumped out at me. It was my best friend. Her and I spent many days playing softball together, talking wrestling, and of course cheer on the Cubbies. Her and I eventually lost touch after I moved but our friendship never left my heart. When I saw her page, I was extremely excited and quickly sent her a message. It was definitely her and it is great swapping messages with her. :)

Do you have someone you'd love to touch base with again? You might be surprised and have that ability right at your fingertips.

Things are on Their Way

Several days ago, I called my new neurosurgeon to ask him to send the order for my EEG and the next MRI, to my Family Physician so that we can push the two tests through my insurance. I also have a 3 page word document of questions for him on various things from some tests I stumbled across to the open biopsy itself.

Well, for most of the past two days, we've played phone tag. This will no longer be a problem. Yesterday afternoon the Clinical Tech left a message on my voice mail at home and the number was his direct number. So now, I can call him directly instead of going into a queue. This will make correspondence much easier. He said he would get the written order for the two tests and forward it on to my physician. I am guessing it will take a week for the insurance to ok it once they get it so with any luck I'll have the EEG by Thanksgiving. It will be nice to get the EEG out of the way and find out what my chances are of having seizures any time soon.

I told the tech that I had a list of questions that I'd like to know the best way of giving them to the doctor is. He was quick to say I could email it and gave me his email address. I prefer this method anyway because then I don't forget to ask anything and answers can be thought out and replies can be less hurried. Anyway, I sent them to him this morning before I went to lunch. He told me that my doctor will be out of the country until Wednesday but that he would expect some answers by the end of next week.

I'm very excited about this. I'm still in the stage of decision that the more information I have, the better able I'm be to choose the correct path. After some things I discovered yesterday, I'm at a deadlock on what to do. I really have no idea which way to go with this thing. However, after I get his reply, my decision should be a bit more clear. Especially after he answers my questions about the PET and MRS scans and whether they could assist enough to choose a burr hole biopsy instead of open.

You have to love being caught in the middle of your own mind. I guess the good part about that is that no matter which path you choose... you win.

I will likely take the weekend off unless I get a wild writing hair. I'm sure I'll have some new stuff for next week.

Stop and Watch the Leaves

Ok, so it's usually "Stop and Smell the Roses" but this isn't exactly the time of year to do that. So instead, I will send you a challenge and then tell you my story. I want you to take some time this week to stop and look at all the trees and their changing colors. I want you to watch the leaves fall to the ground and not dread having to rake them. I want you to watch as each little leaf makes its journey through the air to the ground. Finally, if you do have leaves to rake, I want you to rake them up into a pile and toss some into the air letting them fall onto you like you did as a child. So tell me, are you going to take my challenge? If you did, tell me about it.

Today I was waiting patiently for someone and I noticed the rapid speed at which the leaves were falling from the trees. I quickly became lost as I watched them. Some leaves fell quickly to the ground like lead weights but others floated through the air, gently fluttering as they fell to their destination.

After watching them for a good 10 minutes, I got out of my car and stood under the tree and laughed as the leaves fell down around me. Some would land in my hair, others would find their way to the top of my car, and one had the audacity to thunk me in the head. I'm still trying to figure out what hit me that hurt so much but luckily it didn't give me a bruise... yet.

It was so surreal standing there watching the leaves and it made me feel good about being alive. Even though I've been enjoying things like the full moon, a gentle spring rain, and the power of lightening all my life, I've never really stopped to watch the normal, subtle things in life. The leaves falling are just one of many of these.

Sometimes, in our busy lives, we need to remind ourselves of the small miracles of nature that occur around us all the time. I also realized, standing there under the catalpa tree, that even the small things in life have a lesson attached to them. The leaves looked so beautiful and free as they fell to the ground to return to the earth in which gave them life. There was no fear, no remorse, just beauty. I told myself, as I stood there in the slowly piling leaves, that I wish for my own end to be as beautiful and free. Most importantly, I know that if I continue to look at the positives in everything tossed my way, I will accomplish this goal when the time comes.

Remember, we all will have a time in which we will have to face death. Will you be able to face it with no regrets, no fear, and accept the beauty of eternity?

November 7 Decision - No Biopsy

LOL Ok, I'm sorry but I have a feeling I could begin a lot of posts that way. As of today, November 7, 2007, I am not going to be having the open biopsy. (I warned you all that my feelings on it would likely change a million times between now and the time I actually agree.)

So the question running through all of your minds is: Why did you change your mind?

There's actually two major reasons for this change of feelings. Both are different yet meaningful.

1. I feel there may be more tests that can be performed before we take this "drastic" step.

I've been doing my research and I discovered two tests that, have not been mentioned in any way, but seem to possibly be something I should look into.

One test is a PET scan. My understanding is that this test has the ability to show the consistency of the tumor. This does not necessarily tell us the grade, but it would tell me if my tumor is likely all the same grade or not. If it all shows as the same grade, we could get by with simply a burr hole biopsy instead of the open. To me, this would be a much better process.

The second test is a functional MRI. Again, my understanding is that it is good at distinguishing between edema (swelling) and tumor. This would essentially answer our question of whether this thing is the size of a grape or half an orange. Again, it's a test that could probably be beneficial without going in there.

Therefore, I want to talk with my neurosurgeon about these tests prior to changing my mind back to doing the open biopsy. If I can safely determine consistency and size, I would much prefer the burr hole biopsy to the open.

2. Even though physically I am right handed, I have always been right brained when it comes to creativity and other traits thought of with a right brained person. Recently, I have seen no fewer than four tests that are supposed to judge which brain is your primary side. Well, interestingly enough, all four tests showed me as either divided or right brained. This concerns me that perhaps my tumor isn't in the "quiet" area that they believe. This brings me back to my original feelings of: "If it ain't broke, why fix it." (Yes I know ain't isn't a word!!!)

So now you know why today my mind has changed. I'm sure it will continue to change as we move along. I guess the other thing that has constantly been lurking in the back of my mind is why I am actually thinking of doing it anyway. Everyone that knows me has been shocked by me even contemplating it. The only thing both John and I can figure is that my caring for others is pushing me that way. If that's the case, do I really want to do this?

Ok, enough. I'm going to lunch.

Not The Way To Start

This has not been a very positive day in the slightest and to top it off, it's all on the day that I decided to try to get back into the swing of things and try to lose these extra pounds I've put on since we haven't been eating correctly. Of course, stress = eating things you shouldn't.

My son woke up this morning and threw up before he even got to breakfast. I drew the straw to stay home with him since I can work from home. I started working early this morning and had a 10 AM meeting so we really couldn't do anything until after that. Just before my meeting, John calls with news I was not happy with and it immediately put me in a poor mood. Some days I think he does it without realizing its affect on me, other times I feel he does it on purpose. He knows what pushes my buttons so why does he continue to bring it up. Especially right now when emotionally I'm am on the edge of the ledge. *sigh* Luckily, he agreed to drop the thing and tell his boss no for now. So this issue is now mute but it still irked me off all day and all the things I planned on doing became null.

Anyway, by the time my meeting was over and I planned on taking my son to the doctor, he was sound asleep. I didn't have the heart to wake him so I snoozed as well. We didn't wake up until two hours later. I guess we both needed it.

Finally, we had a really healthy supper of PB&J sandwiches and that was sooooo not on my eating plan but... you can't win them all.

Unfortunately, I'm caught up in about six things right now so I'm going to wrap this up for now. Today was one of those days that made me think that I'm not up for the surgery in June. For one, these guys aren't ready to have to take care of me for a few weeks and two, I'm not sure I have the emotional stability for it right now. I told you I'd change my mind a million times between now and then. Well Huggles.

Overall, A Very Productive Day

Well, John and I have both worked hard on the house both inside and out today. Needless to say, the last ten weeks of chaos has taken its toll on more than just our minds. The house looked like a tornado ran through it. I worked inside most of the day and we can now walk through the kitchen, great room, and our bedroom. John worked outside on some projects that were delayed by harvest and my diagnosis. With any luck by the end of November our shed will be officially updated and tied down. (long story)

We also were able to catch up all the dishes and the laundry is about 80% done now. That's huge because we were getting desperate for clothes!!! I still have a bit to do on the house tomorrow so that it's back to what it was pre-diagnosis. Then I can focus on the things I need to work on before I'll consider surgery. I have a nice little list started so hopefully I can start checking them off soon.

Tomorrow we have a 4H meeting and we have to go to town to supper at Grandma's and the hardware store. I hate days we actually have things away from home to do but at least we had the day home today. We did get a lot done despite sleeping in until 9 and I took an hour nap on John's lap early afternoon. :)

Ok, enough of my boring life.

Let's look at Seizures... 101

While discussing my tumor with my new neurosurgeon, the topic of seizures came up seriously for the very first time since I was diagnosed. First off, he wants me to have an EEG. It's a pretty simple brain wave test that will tell us if I am having seizures and not really aware of it. I'm actually pretty interested in this test because I'm curious if it is possible I'm having some signs I'm not aware of. Beyond that, he reminded me that after surgery seizures are possible and honestly right now I am a high risk for them because of my tumor and its location. His advice to me was to educate myself AND those around me so that if I should have a seizure it doesn't take anyone by surprise.

Well, here's the information I have and passed onto those that I work closely with at my job. I figure the chances are if I have one, it will be there so they need to be aware.

First off there are over 60 different types of seizures but they can essentially be divided into two main categories: Grand Mal and Petit Mal.

A Grand Mal seizure is the type of seizure that usually pops into someone's mind first when they think of a seizure. The body stiffens, they lose consciousness, fall to the ground, have convulsions that are usually violent... If you should see someone with a Grand Mal... DO NOT TRY TO STOP IT!!! Instead you should make sure there is nothing near by they can hurt themselves or someone else with, make sure they are away from danger like stairs, step back, and let them have it. You do not want to put anything in their mouth. You do not want to try to stop the seizure because you will only cause harm to them or yourself. You do want to step back in case they get violent so they don't hurt you.

If they are conscious when it is over, don't allow them to get up to quickly and rather make sure they are ok before letting them leave the ground. If they are unconscious, roll them to their side so it is easier for them to breathe. If this is not common for them, call 911

The second type is the Petit Mal seizure. These types of seizures are typically minor and often go unnoticed by the person experiencing it. Some of the things that would be common in my case would be a sudden spacing in the middle of a conversation that lasts 1-90 seconds and then the conversation is completed as if nothing ever happened. Garbled words, distant stares, twitching, and odd sudden change in behavior are also possible seizures. Since the person this happens to doesn't always realize anything happened, it is important that when you are sure they are back to themselves you notify them of what happened. This will allow them to make the decision that they need to on what to do next.

So there is a quick and dirty explanation of seizures and what I have learned about dealing with them. Since I currently am not having them (to my knowledge), I really can't give much information beyond that and know that I am accurate. I realize that most of those that read this don't see me on a daily basis but now you know what to do should you witness anyone having a seizure.

Care Team and Square Dancing

Ok, so that probably doesn't make a lot of sense and no they are not related. LOL

Today I spoke with my family physician and updated him on what is going on and what my current thoughts and plans are. He felt I was doing all of the right things. I also asked him to be the liaison between my local and remote team. Since I am considering treatment at a facility that is 3.5 hours away, it isn't feasible for me to have all of my MRIs, scans, etc up there. Because of this I need a few members of my team here locally. He agreed to be my liaison down here so now my team is mostly in control. He also agreed that the neurologist I picked out for down here would be fabulous. Therefore, it looks like I'm set to go with whatever road this tumor takes me. Now all I have to do is let my local neurosurgeon know that I have found another doctor to take over my care. I don't handle confrontations of this type well so it will be a character building moment. (Yes this is a huge character flaw of mine and my husband will be the first to acknowledge it!!!)

Second thing on the agenda, after a few hour nap, is square dancing this evening. It's been a few weeks since we went dancing so it should be fun to get back into the swing of things. (no pun intended) I really love square dancing and we need to start doing it more often if I am to meet my goal of shedding a few pounds. I figure that I no longer have the excuse that I don't want to lose a ton of weight only to gain it all back with pregnancy. Besides, now I have an incentive since the less weight I have, the easier my recovery will be when I choose to do the open biopsy.

Speaking of open biopsy. Yes, I have decided I will do it but the big question mark is when. Unless something shows up in an MRI, the soonest it will be is next June. Even then, I reserve the right until the day of surgery to change my mind so... don't count on it!!!

Alright, that's it for now. I have been quietly working on some legal documents that are of concern for the future but I will fill you all in on that as I finish each document. I'm hoping maybe my entries on it will convince some of you to work on your own important paperwork.

Wishing Everyone a Happy Halloween

I just wanted to send out a Halloween greeting to all of my online blog readers. I hope you have a fabulous night, enjoy watching the spooky ghosts and goblins that venture into the night, and have a great Halloween. Tis the night that anything can happen. Love ya all.

Has Always Been My Favorite

Well, I figure today I am not really into anything deep so instead I will blog about my favorite holiday... which just happens to be coming up tomorrow. :) I have loved Halloween for as long as I can remember. I love to look at all the original costumes that some come up with and I totally love to be scared by the "creepy crawlies of the night". John never quite understood this fascination by me since I totally detest so many of the movies that deal with being scared and gore. I just remind him that ghosts, the tingling sensation you get when you know you are being watched, and the gentle brush against your leg of an unknown entity is very different than someone going around with an ax murdering people. To illustrate my point a bit... I love the Sixth Sense but movies like Saw are just a bit too much for me.

Anyway, normally I totally decorate my house making the Great Room look about like an old abandoned house. I even have a custom made candelabra that I place on my kitchen table. I love the total ability to use your imagination. This year there was just too much going on and I chose not to decorate. It was probably for the better since things have been so hectic. But you can be assured that next year I will be back into the swing of things and I will post pictures.

Several years ago, I did a haunted house in my garage. It was just small and didn't really have anything special but it was fun. Some day I'll get a real haunted house set up again. We'll see. Speaking of haunted houses, some of my fondest memories as a teen was going with a good friend of mine to the haunted house in a nearby town. They were one of the best in the area (they still have it actually) and her dad worked there so we would go visit. It was always a blast. Especially when all the creatures of the night knew your name. *WHAAHAAAHAAA*

Well, I can't think of much else to talk about with Halloween right now without boring you all. I think this is why I sometimes don't blog about real life... I am boring. :)

Took a Well Deserved Break

Hi everyone. Sorry I didn't blog at all over the weekend. After ten weeks of living in the unknown, DH and I decided we needed to just go out and have some fun as a family. We took of on Saturday and used our Six Flags season passes for the final time of the season. We had a good time riding the roller coasters (shhh... don't tell my doctors because I'm sure I probably shouldn't be riding them) and enjoyed their Fright Fest. They had several really neat shows and creepy crawlies around every corner. They even had a nice haunted train ride that DH and I enjoyed. (DS hid his head in his coat during the whole thing.) I highly recommend it to everyone who enjoys the "things that creep in the night".

Other than that, we have determined that I will eventually do the open biopsy but that it will not be any time soon unless something prompts it to be done sooner. I will be having an EEG as soon as I work out how I'm going to organize my doctors. It may take a few weeks to sort things out. Basically, I will need someone here locally to help me schedule tests and report the results to my doctor who is 3 hours away. I'll have to decide who I want representing me down here.

Today is my Great Aunt's funeral so I won't be around work most of the day. I can't wait for life to get at least partially back to normal. I will be writing about my "preparations", detailed descriptions of tests, and some more on my medical planner. However, I might actually be able to make some posts related to my "life beyond the tumor", very soon. I know that at least for the start of this blog there's not been a lot of content beyond it. Unfortunately, that has been the biggest part of my mind lately and you write what you feel.

I look forward to writing more soon but for now, I've got to get some things sorted out to go to the funeral. *Huggles*

Surprise!!! Three doctors, three opinions!!!!

Some of you have already seen this but thought I'd post it in my blog so I forever have a record of it.

Ok, we are on our way out of Chicago heading back home. Dr. C (name withheld to protect the innocent) was fabulous and he has yet another idea on what he would do.

As for tumor size, he said there is no real way of telling without going in. I like his honesty on this. His recommendation is to take my time and watch it while I contemplate what I want to do. He assured me there is no definitive answer right now and that only I can make the decision on what to do and when. His recommendation is that, when I am ready, I have an open biopsy as opposed to the burr hole biopsy. He said the difference is that they would make about a four inch incision, remove part of the skull, and then remove a large portion of the tumor and/or frontal lobe that would then be sent to pathology. This would give us a firm idea of what we are dealing with. He assured me that the only complications beyond that of normal surgical risks are of seizure which is something I can have at any time regardless of whether I choose to do anything or not. He said that even though the open biopsy sounds aggressive, the chance of causing me any personality harm in the process is minimal compared to what might occur with a resection because it will be strictly on one side of the brain.

The other thing he recommended is an EEG and I will be seeing if one can be done locally or if we will have to return to Chicago for that. A minor test, no big deal.

At this time, I will continue to watch it for any signs of change. Now is not the time to attempt to undergo any type of surgery with my history of sinus/bronchitis issues so nothing will be done for a minimum of six months. In the meantime, I will continue to prepare and educate myself and we will take the next step when that time comes.

There's your latest update. Nothing like having a problem that no one can really agree on. I always knew I couldn't ever have an easy problem. :)

Amy

Conservative, Aggressive, The Honest Truth

Ok, so my first opinion when this thing was originally diagnosed can now be called the "conservative" diagnosis. He believed that my tumor was relatively small, benign, and inoperable. His opinion was to have a needle biopsy done and then watch it for any change with frequent MRIs. This was obviously what I "wanted" to hear at the time but was it truly what s going on?

My second opinion can now be called the "aggressive" diagnosis. He believed that my tumor was very large, probably benign, and operable. His opinion was that we go in and remove this thing and he was pretty certain he could get it all. The total opposite of our first opinion and the wake up call that this thing may be more of a beast than we thought.

Now my third opinion is what I am considering the "honest truth." He believes that it is not possible to tell how large my tumor is or even if it is a tumor at this stage. He also believes that surgery at this stage is NOT my best option. His opinion is that we perform an open biopsy so that we know exactly what is going on in there and determine what, if anything, should be done from there. He believes that if it is indeed a Grade One Glioma, it should be left to its own devices because essentially it is "a birthmark of the brain". He also believes that under the circumstances, this is not necessarily something that has to be taken care of right at this moment. He acknowledged the risks either way and was the first to clearly state that there is no 100% correct choice because that can not be known until it is all said and done. Talk about being honest.

Wow, nothing like going full circle. I realize now, that regardless of what I choose in the end, there was a reason I put the stop to doing the biopsy early on. I had other opinions to see and digest before we took any action. Amazingly enough, I was very against considering the needle biopsy after I made up my mind about what was going on. Now, I am seriously considering a procedure much riskier as a very valid option probably in the next few years. The good news is that it is no riskier than any other surgery you might have and the only serious risk outside of that is the possibility of seizures. That's not a positive outcome but when you think that I could have seizures at any time anyway... maybe it's a worthwhile risk.

So, no decisions have been made in the official at this point but I do have a new doctor that I am very confident in. I frequently commented that my second opinion was with a doctor that I had a great deal of confidence in. I was quoted as saying "The third opinion doctor would have to sweep me off my feet to convince me otherwise". Well, this doctor has done just that. His "bedside" manner is wonderful, his way of explaining things is top notch, and I appreciated his upfront honesty. However, the most important thing he gave me is confirmation that I don't have to make any type of decision here and now. I have time to live, love, and contemplate all of my options.

I will possibly have some more entries about this later but for now, I'm going to do those first two things on my list. :-)

This is Where I Stand

Before I start this entry, I wish to say that at around the same time I sent out my previous entry, I received word that my Great Aunt had passed away peacefully. Things are not easy for many of my family and I ask you to keep them in your thoughts.

Ok, this is the entry I intended to write yesterday. Forgive me if it seems a bit... disheveled but the formulation of my feelings has come over several days and many, many discussions. Furthermore, this is the first time I've put them in writing when I wasn't being prompted after every sentence for specific details. :)

My decision is that I will not do anything until I receive the sign that I have been waiting for. We must all remember that I have yet to have a "symptom" of this brain tumor that would cause it to be discovered. Prior to being told that I have a brain tumor, I was out playing catch in the yard with my son and I intend to continue doing so for as long as I am able. I will not sacrifice the good times I am yet to have for a diagnosis that is yet to be "found".

I have had many people totally fight me on this stand. They believe that I am playing Russian roulette with my life and to be honest, I am. I'm taking chances no matter what path I choose. It doesn't matter where I go from here, because there are risks in both directions. However, when looking at it from my point of view, I am ahead of the game.

Think of it this way... say that I have never had an MRI of my head. Tomorrow, I develop a headache that just won't go away. I try for weeks to get it to disappear. (Yes, I'm stubborn enough it would take weeks.) When it doesn't go away no matter what I try, I finally go to the doctor. He gives me meds to try and tells me to return in a week. Again they don't go away and we repeat this cycle two or three times. Finally, he decides that we should probably do a CT Scan to see what is up there. After two weeks I am finally able to get a CT Scan and it shows something questionable but in a CT it is indistinguishable so they ask for an MRI. So now, finally, after 8-10 weeks I have been diagnosed with a brain tumor. At this point it is causing more severe symptoms than headaches and our time is limited. Furthermore, all the things I now know and the process I am now taking has to still be completed. Do you think just because my time may be more limited that I will leave my family to deal with it unprepared?

However, this scenario won't occur now. When that headache starts and won't go away, I know what is causing it and I can be in surgery within just a few weeks. I have things prepared for my family so that I can be mentally and emotionally prepared for this. Do you see where this approach allows us to be prepared yet not rush into things?

This very approach is why I've chosen to not think of surgery as an immediate option. I will listen to what the doctors have to say. I will ask the hard questions now so that I am fully prepared. I will finish the things I need to do. I will not hide from the obvious signs that God sends my way. Rather I will take the bull by the horns and do what I must.

Now I understand that many of you do not know me as a real person, but many of you do. I have asked over a dozen people how they would describe me to someone who asked about me. Some made the snide comment that I'm short but when all was serious they used words like: ambitious, compassionate, bubbly, helpful, and good natured. Note that not a one (other than the joke about being short) mentioned any physical characteristics of me. I am not a physical person. The very means of who I am is my personality and it's the first thing people remember. My personality is what makes me and it is the one thing about me that I would be most devastated to lose. The statistics of surgery are menial when you look at them in the long run, but the statistics they can't give you are, Who will I be when I come out of surgery? It is not conceivable, giving the way the brain works, that I can walk into surgery being the Amy everyone knows and walk out being that same person. Therefore, if I'm not me, then who am I?

These are the kinds of things I weighed in making my decision to wait on surgery. I know many of you have read the comment that a good friend left about symptoms when dealing with a brain tumor. Yes, I fully believe that our infertility problems are indirectly related to the tumor. Other than that, I can't honestly say that any of the "minor" symptoms that arise could convince me to go with surgery now rather than wait. Yes, if I become a total bitch and my personality changes to the point I am no longer recognizable as me, I'd do it... but that is what it would take. I am watching out for myself and I have tons of people who are looking out for me and have promised to tell me if they see something significant.

Believe me that the decision to wait has not been taken lightly. Believe me that I realize there are risks with waiting just as there are risks with doing surgery right now. Believe me that I know that there is no right answer. Believe me that, although I am not afraid of death, I am not ready to leave. Believe me that I will not be going anywhere any time soon. I have friends to hug, a brother to tease, future nieces and nephews to spoil, a husband to take care of and love, and most importantly a son to raise.

Had an Argument with God

I told a very good friend yesterday that I had an argument with God and her reply was simply, "And who won?" I don't remember what my response was but it should have been, "We agreed to a compromise." That sounds like a fitting description of what we did.

Now some people that know me very well would take a step back at that first paragraph and call the men in white coats to come get me. Why? Well you see, most would not be able to believe that I could come to a compromise when my family's welfare are at stake. That's not what you expected me to say is it? You see I am not a fighter. Many would say I'm one of the most even tempered people you can meet. Unless you start messing with my family. You could sit in front of me and call me every name in the book and hold a gun to my head, and I would sit back quietly waiting for a moment to strike where I could not fail. However, if you did the same thing to my husband or son, I would be on you like a wildcat. The few people who have truly seen me in this state know that I'm not one to be messed with. After all, my family is my strength, my life. You don't mess with my family. So, yes, many would be surprised that I would ever compromise when my family's welfare are at stake.

However, when you are arguing with the "man upstairs", you have to know that you will not win the argument but that he will make compromises. So what happened to make me take on this battle? Well, some time over the weekend, I finally "broke". I proceeded to tell God that he didn't know me as well as he thought and that he'd given me more than I could handle. I told him I was not happy with him, that I felt he was (segment edited because I don't wish to repeat what I really said), and that I wished he'd just stop what he was doing and address this thing... After at least 30 minutes of this, I finally emotionally "broke" and apologized for my words but expressed my frustrations at what I am going through.

Finally, we came to the center of the argument and I addressed with him what exactly it was he wanted me to do. Here he is putting me in a situation where there is no right path. There is no right answer. No matter what I do, the risks are astronomical and the signs he is sending me are all conflicts. I realized that the reason he was giving me these choices is because he doesn't lay out our paths but rather he lays out a set of paths for us to choose and follow. Many times, I have chosen the difficult path and come out just fine. However, I could always see that one path was the right one and one was the wrong one so, whichever I chose, I knew what I was about to face. This time, neither path is labeled. There is no right path and there is no wrong path. The two paths are intertwined and can go either way. He has confidence in my ability to deal with whichever path I choose, even if I don't have that same confidence.

In the end, I realized that he was giving me the freedom to make my decision because he knows that is where I am strong. I announced that evening to him which path I would pursue, made him promise to take care of my family regardless of where I end up, and asked him to give me the sign when the time was right. He gave me his agreement to the argument, as I went on to meditate that evening. I fully expected my visual meditations to take on the form of a dark a dreary day since that was how I felt consciously that night. (My visual meditation tends to reflect my mood) However, instead, it was a gorgeous scene with beautiful, crystal clear waters, brilliant clouds, and serenity. I knew right then that God had accepted the compromise and he would lead me where I was supposed to go and when we finally meet, he will ensure that my family is taken care of until they feel the same peace.

So what decision did I make? I hate to leave you hanging but that's for another entry and unfortunately right now, I have other priorities to attend to. Stay Tuned.

(I had every intention on writing the second entry at this time but about three quarters of the way through this entry, I received a call from my mom. My Great Aunt, whom has been sick for some time with various forms of cancer including metastatic brain cancer, has been given less than 24 hours. They do not believe she will come back this time and honestly, as bad as she's been, I'm not sure it's the thing for her to do. Please keep her in your thoughts for a safe passage to be with God and give my family the strength they need to deal with this. Thank You and God Bless.)

Third Opinion On it's Way

I just contacted the doctor whom I am seeking for my third opinion and the appointment will be on this Friday, October 26th. I have heard nothing but good things about this guy so I look forward to hearing what he has to say. (Who am I kidding, I'm terrified about what he is going to say but I do look forward to bamboozling one more doc when it comes to my neurological performance.)

I've got a ton to do between today and Friday so I probably won't be out here much.

I Am Curious of Something

Ok, I realize that no one can truly make this decision without having to stare it straight in the face, but I am curious how my friends out here would make the decision I have been faced with. I will lay out all the details in this entry and I ask you to fill in the poll on the right hand side. Don't worry, I won't know who you are and you don't have to comment on your reasons unless you want to.

Here are the details (Note that I am basing this off of getting a third opinion that agrees with this second doctor. Meaning my tumor is half the size of an orange and he recommends surgery):

1. You have no problems that are in any way related to the brain tumor that was discovered. Furthermore, you've had six doctors now TRY to break you neurologically and can't.

2. You are a completely healthy 28 year old who has a wonderful husband and a 10 year old son at home.

3. You value your ability to go out in the yard and kick a soccer ball around, wrestle with your son, play football, ride roller coasters, and overall just live life. Your favorite past time is square dancing... all of which require that you be physically well and mentally cognitive.

4. No one can tell you if the brain tumor they've discovered will cause you problems in 6 days, 6 months, 6 years, or ever. They can not tell you how your brain tumor will affect you if and when it ever does.

5. The doctor believes with 85% certainty that he can remove the tumor in its entirety. Based on your own research, you know that even if this tumor is removed entirely, it can and WILL return.

6. The risks of surgery include 1% chance of stroke, 3% chance of death, 5% chance of paralysis. The chances of you coming out of surgery without some sort of deficit are slim to none.

7. You have problems with anesthesia that, even if they are aware of it, will complicate matters.

With these details in mind, I'd like to see what you would do and I'd love to hear your comments on it. I have been "asking" those around me these very questions and I'd like to see what you all think.

Thanks in advance.

Taking a Few Days Off

I hate to do this but I'm going to take a few days off from writing in my blog. I feel like I just need to step away to reflect in my own mind what is going on. As much as I have been trying to not let this new "opinion" get to me, the reality is that deep in my heart... I know he's right.

I will return in a few days once I've got my thoughts sorted. Don't worry, if anything major happens you guys will be one of the first to know.

Just in case I don't say it enough... I love all of you!!!

Still Trying to Sink In

Well, I haven't gone over the voice recording from this appointment nor have I truly let it all settle in my head yet but here's the information I have from my appointment today.

I am not a candidate for Gamma Knife according to the neurosurgeon we spoke with today. We ended up with more food for thought than anything. (Literally...) Anyway, he doesn't believe that the "swelling" that my local neurosurgeon is seeing is actually swelling. He believes it is tumor. He believes it is still a low grade glioma but rather than being 3 cm by 2 cm, he believes it is closer to the size of half an orange or about 6 cm in size. (Cut an orange in half and you are holding my tumor) This is a significant change from what my local neurosurgeon believes.

I will be seeking a third opinion with the hopes that the third doctor agrees with one of them. Only then will I truly be able to sit and reflect on what is going on. Unfortunately, even if I don't want to, I have to feel that this guy is probably right. Where my local neurosurgeon may have seen a few hundred, this guy has probably seen hundreds or thousands more. Not easy to accept in the slightest.

Unlike my local NS, he believes surgery is the best option even with the risks. He feels with 85% certainty he could remove the entire tumor. There would be risks because there is the "motor strip" which is in the form of an artery that controls my left leg. However, he believes that with an interoperative MRI, it can be removed safely.

My current path has not changed. I will not be going into surgery any time in the near future. I stand by my decision that as long as I am not experiencing problems from this tumor, I will not be doing anything with it. However, it is time to pump up the speed in which I am preparing, just in case it does come to problems. Obviously, my mood on this will probably change 100 times but if there are symptoms that develop... I will reluctantly consider surgery.

I appreciate everyone's continued thoughts and prayers and I will continue to keep you all updated. I will probably give a better blog entry when this all settles a bit in my own mind.

Love ya all.