Friday, September 28, 2007

The Toughest Part of All

Before my son was born in February of 1996, I didn't want kids of my own. I wanted kids, but I planned on adopting. However, after getting pregnant with my son, I realized how much I loved being pregnant. No, I didn't have one of those perfect pregnancies. I had morning sickness through the first three months that caused me to live off of crackers and water, I had severe heartburn throughout, and I developed pregnancy induced hypertension. Despite this, I loved being pregnant and longed to have another baby to hold in my arms and watch grow up.

However, I am also a very sensible person that can not do anything without being thoroughly prepared. We had to have a home large enough for our children, the means to take care of them, and preferably the ability for one of us to stay at home with them.

This is why having a child until we had our own home was out of the question and thus we never even considered it. However, my clock was beginning to tick and we finally reached the point we could try to achieve another child. Being the sensible person I am, I sent both my husband and I to a doctor for a good old physical. The physical found a previously undetected heart murmur with me. This sent us to months of tests to rule out the originally suspected severe ASD. (Atrial Septum Disorder or a hole in the upper chambers of the heart) After we were finally given the "all clear", I was out of our ideal window for conceiving so we waited.

The window neared again and this time just months before, I came down with pneumonia that did not wish to go away. They finally put me on a medication that was able to get rid of it but not before telling me that I should not attempt to get pregnant for a year after being on it. There went another year. The next year, we were ready but alas it was again not meant to be as John came down with pneumonia and missed almost two months of work. Being the person I was, we survived but I no longer felt confident in our abilities to weather both that storm and have a baby, so we delayed yet again.

Finally in March of 2006, I had my birth control reversed and we began our journey of conception. One year later, we still had not succeeded. We began testing for infertility and thus far I had tested fine. We had some slight male factor issues but again it was determined it shouldn't be bad enough to keep us from conceiving. We continued to try but stayed with our agreement that in December of 2007 John would get a vasectomy and we would end our journey.

We were starting to prepare ourselves for the possibility that we would never have a second child, but we were still holding on to the next few months as hope that it would still happen. On August 22, 2007, when I found out that I had a brain tumor, not only did it put my future in question, but it squashed a dream that the three of us shared. It was no longer conceivable that we would have another child. My mind would not allow it to be an option, and, honestly, our hopes and dreams changed that day. I am still grieving for the child we will never have and it's sooner than I had hoped to face it.

All the unknown, the tests, and the possible procedures that are involved with a brain tumor, is nothing compared to knowing we'll never have a second child.

I was going to hold off on this entry a bit but decided now was the time. Now that my own dream of another child is over, I have begun taking pleasure in those around me who are finally able to meet that dream. Therefore, I wish to put out a congratulations to my cousin in the birth of her baby girl, a very good online friend in the birth of her baby girl, another online friend in the birth of her twin girls, and my mom and dad on the birth of their baby boy. (No I'm not getting a baby brother, they raise cattle and they had a baby born yesterday.)

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