Saturday, January 10, 2009

Did 2008 Start Like This?

I closed 2007 with the following:

Part of me is happy to see 2007 go away but part of me is scared to see what 2008 may bring. There has been many times when i say to myself that "things can only go up next year" only to be proven wrong. I no longer assume that anything can be the bottom of the line. Things can always get worse. This is not a pessimistic outlook on life, rather it is my coping mechanism. By being able to smile through the lowest points of my life, I know that I can keep positive and smile through the next year, be they better or worse than the previous year. That's the secret of life... smile even when you don't feel like doing it.

So here is a big cheers to the end of 2007 and all the obstacles that stood in my way this year. I smiled through them all and now it's time to start a clean slate in 2008 and smile through whatever may come my way. Regardless of what crosses I must bear this year, I will come through on top, with my spirits in tack, and my future in hand.
I'd have to say I hit 2008 pretty close with it. That doesn't answer my question though, did 2008 start like 2009?

Well, in short I was still adjusting to the fact I had a brain tumor and right at the end of 2008 I had an MRI that had a big question mark in it. I was mentally beating myself up and had so many decisions to make I wasn't sure where to begin. I took them on with all I had and really it didn't start too awful bad.

So what about 2009?

At the very, very start of 2009 I thought this year might be a really good one. We were coming off of some nice and quiet holidays with family. We had made it through a very tough year relatively unscathed. Then the bottom dropped out on the fifth day.

On January 5th a five year old boy that had brain cancer, joined the angels in heaven. He was a very strong little boy and I admired his "Nevva gib up" attitude as he journeyed through things I can not even imagine. I followed his story from the time I was diagnosed and watched him through chemo, radiation, surgery, stem cell transplant, and finally death. His death hit me harder than anything I could imagine. I'd never met him outside of the blog his mom wrote but he felt like a little brother to me. Godspeed, Coleman. I know you have the strongest and most beautiful wings and are now with King Julian playing a game of tag in heaven.

Then on January 6th another brain cancer crusader whom was a huge source of information and inspiration, lost his battle to a tumor that so much resembled mine. I was never as close to him as the little boy but his death reminded me that there is no cure for brain cancer. Godspeed, David.

As if that didn't make for a hard enough week, last night I FINALLY heard from my NeuroSurgeon. (It's been almost two months since my MRI and over a week since I sent him the results AGAIN.) He wanted me to be in Chicago on Monday for an MRI. After much discussion, I told him to stick it in as many professional ways as possible. Basically, his impression is that the tumor has regrowth even though others have told me they believe it to be necrosis (dead cells from radiation). I'm taking his opinion with a grain of salt because there is more than one reason I am seeing someone on Tuesday that will hopefully take his place. However, I can't deny that I fear the possibility of him being right.

I'm just now feeling good again and I'm really not wanting to jump into more treatment right now. I need to feel good for a while so I know there is a reason to fight. However, I have to do whatever I have to do. I suspect I will have an MRI within the week and what we do from there will be determined by that.

So, has 2009 come in as 2008 did, in short, yes because I have some big decisions to make early. In long, it's way to early to tell.

I love you all... Huggles

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