Monday, August 18, 2008

Just Some Monday Morning Musings

Wow, it really has been 12 days since I last updated. I am so sorry. I have good reasons though. Last week I started back to work and I was absolutely beat when I got home each night. I am hoping I'll be able to increase my stamina just a bit as this week wears on so hopefully that will mean more updates this week.

Anyway, as I said, I did start back to work last Monday. After much twisting of arms, I was able to get approved for restricted return of only four hours a day. It's working out pretty good for the most part. I am able to get through my day and get home without too many problems. I have the option of dropping by my Grandma's house and taking a nap if I really need to but I only needed to take advantage of that last Monday. Otherwise, things have run smoothly.

On to the big issue... I start radiation with a simulation on Wednesday at 2 PM. I am told this appointment can take up to 1.5 hours. Basically, they do lots of scans and things with a "simulation" machine to make sure they have things laid out where they need to. I'll admit, for the first time since surgery, I am a bit nervous. I'm still not confident I've made the right decision on radiation so that is weighing heavy on my mind and my nerves. I guess I just don't trust doctors very much and I question whether he will really tell me what the odds to damage on my optical nerve are. I know that legally they have to, but that doesn't make me feel any more confident. Doctors have a way of wanting to stick with protocol regardless of whether that is the best path for the patient or not. We live in a "quantity of life" society and I'm not in that mindset. The only thing that matters to me is quality of life. I am worried that the "side effects" of radiation may impact my quality of life. I would not be happy if that were the case. Again, this comes through because I HAVE NO DEFICITS. If I had any deficits, it'd be much easier to accept. Are you beginning to see a pattern here? Me too. However, I have to believe this is the way that God wants it to be or he would have revealed a deficit to me at this point. He's testing my resolve. :) Well, I'm up to the challenge and I know I will get through this... even if the path ends up being a little rougher than I want.

In other review, as already mentioned, mentally I'm struggling a bit with the decision to do radiation. I know I just have to believe it is the right thing to do but that is hard when you don't really believe that. However, I have to focus on why I agreed now is the time in the first place. I decided that I would rather "recover" once instead of twice. You see, I'm recovering well from surgery but I have a long ways yet to go. By doing radiation now, I will be brought down from fatigue and the like now so that I can recover from both things simultaneously. If I wait until we see change in the tumor or I develop deficits (which is my preferred method) I would be allowing myself to get back to 100% only to turn around and be knocked down again. That's a hard journey to have to start over. Therefore, I've decided I would rather do it all once than to work my tail off to get back to 100% and be knocked back down. *sigh* I'm sure it's the wrong reason to do this and it may come back to haunt me but for now it's the path. We'll see where it leads from here.

It felt good last week to return to work. I honestly feel that physically I am at about 90% of what I was previously. Stamina is the role in the remaining 10% and I realize that I may never get back to what I feel is 100%. However, that won't keep me from trying. One of the reasons I knew I needed to return to work was that mentally I am more in the 70's of percent. I can't recover that part of me without getting back to a normal routine. Thus why I had to return to work in order to recover more. I know that radiation will probably bring both of those numbers back down but as I said, I'd rather do it once than twice.

Motivation and initiative continue to be problems for me. They are slowly improving but I'm worried about the damage that will be done before they recover enough. (Bills have to be paid no matter how little motivation I have.) I have also noticed strange little things like my temper not being as long and me being unusually snappy. I am hoping both are just temporary. We'll see what the outcome is in a few months time.

Ok, I think this is long enough now. I have to get my son on the school bus then head to work. *huggles*

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