Thursday, August 21, 2008

The Art of Convincing Myself

This particular post might change some people's minds about how things are going with me... but that is not its intention. I just want to express my feelings and this is how I am feeling right now.

I wish I could sit here and tell you that I feel that radiation is the logical and best next path for me. Unfortunately, I can not do this. Yes, I am doing it and I will continue the therapy but I can not honestly say that I feel it is the right path for me at this time. I believe I need to just trust the doctors and 100% of everyone else but in my heart I am not yet convinced. Will I ever be convinced? I wish I could answer that right now. So why am I doing it if I am not convinced it is the right path? For once, I just have to trust the doctors. Do I trust the doctors? I trust very few in the medical field. Is it important that I eventually convince myself this is the right path? Yes, it is very important for my mental health. Why? If radiation doesn't work or the side effects get severe, I will always question why I didn't follow my instincts. It's not like you can undo it once it begins.

So why am I not convinced? I really wish I could answer this. I'm typically a very logical person and this is good and bad sometimes. It's good because I weigh out all the options. It's bad because sometimes I pick up on things and ask questions that have no answer. I believe this is where the current problem lies. I have questions that just can not be answered and because of this, I can not convince myself that this is the right choice. This is just one of the many things I feel are working against me in convincing myself of this being the right path. Others include the fact I am still not having any symptoms, this tumor has not showed change in the past year, I have not received "my" sign that this is the right path (I have every other time prior), I had less time to contemplate this decision, and I'm not sure the benefits can truly outweigh the side effects.

So you see, I'm in a very confused mental state right now and this will probably be even more affected by the fact that I will probably never get myself convinced of this choice. Unfortunately, if I come to the conclusion that this definitely isn't the right choice... it's a bit too late.

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