Summary of this week: I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
- We're 15 weeks past the partial resection of my tumor.
- 27 of 30 radiation treatments have been completed.
- The official countdown to the end of radiation is at 3.
I was able to come to terms with some things this week when I officially voiced my opinion that there will be no further treatment after radiation until a minimum of 6 months has passed. I need time to rediscover who I am, who I've become, and who I will be. I can not do this with treatments looming over my head. I do not feel that this time will take a huge toll on my overall treatment since we are still dealing with a tumor that has shown obvious progression. I've done what the doctors asked with radiation, against my better judgment and now I need to refocus myself and come up with a game plan on my terms.
Emotionally - This has probably been one of the tougher weeks I've had thus far. I've had to really fight with myself to keep myself straight in the emotional sense. I think the worst of it was due to being unable to see any end in sight to this constant struggle. While I know there is no end to it, I have built myself a break with the "no treatment for six months" idea and that helped me refocus and have something to aim for.
Mentally - Again, this runs along the same path as the emotions. I have struggled to mentally keep focused to continue radiation and focusing on the end has helped me through this. I can see the light at the end of this part of the journey and I've reminded myself several times that I am not a quitter... so... I'm ready to keep fighting and take time for me to refocus before continuing this journey.
I've struggled with the focus again this week but was able to work with it just as I had the previous week. I just find my mind wandering a lot more than normal but for all I know, this could be a permanent side effect of the radiation at this point. We'll see what happens. I guess I just understand what my boys deal with having ADD. I don't like it, I'll tell you that much.
Physically - I struggled a bit this week with radiation burn on my head. I've always been a bit of a pansy when it comes to burns (like sunburns) and on my head it seems 100 times worse. Just imagine getting a sunburn over 2/3rds of your head. It has affected my ability to sleep some this week but I keep rearranging pillows so I can get as much as possible. The cream the gave me for it also helps a lot but putting it on is another matter completely.
Fatigue has definitely grown this week. It's a good thing it's about over or I'm not sure I'd still be doing my part time days. I have been sleeping an average of 12 hours a night and still feel I could use a few more hours each day. We'll see if I can do some good catchup over the weekend. I just have to keep reminding myself that next Wednesday will be it and then I can start the recovery process.
Family/Play - My son's soccer season started last week. He really enjoys soccer and I like watching him play. Originally, he was on the same team as a fellow soccer mom that I became friends with but then he was moved around. Now he is on the 4H clover bud leader's husband's team. It's pretty cool even if he doesn't like all the running he has to do. It's good for him. :)
Anyway, If I get a chance, I'll post some more photos soon. Unfortunately, I don't see John much right now since harvest has begun and he is already working major long hours. If I can catch him long enough to take a few shots, I'll post them. Enjoy the fall everyone.