Friday, August 24, 2007

Beginnings - I'm not Afraid of Dying

This entry could as easily be called "Scaring Those Around Me" but that's not five words so I had to come up with something that is just as meaningful. *smile* At this point in time, I was terrifying those closest to me. They were expecting me to have a breakdown at any time or at least show fear. I was doing neither. I was nervous, that was obvious, but the attitude of "If it's meant to be, then I'll cross that bridge" was really not what many expected. You see, it takes most people many years to accept the concept of death. However, I accepted death at a young age. It's all part of the circle of life and although I don't want to leave those I love behind, I'm not afraid of it. If I didn't have a young son, I would be facing this with a much easier heart. But I know that God will provide if my journey here is complete.

I think the first paragraph gives a pretty good idea of why people were worried. I was taking this with a firm attitude and a strong mind. I have things to do, but I will get them done, I'll make the time. However, Friday morning I believe I terrified my family and co-workers even more.

That morning, I gathered two of my co-workers and passed on information that I felt was important and no one else knew. I gave them my passwords so they could change my outlook out of office and check my email, I told them how to do routine tasks that I do on a daily basis, and I updated them on my current projects. Why did I do this? Well, you see, at this time I did not know what the doctor was going to tell me. For all I knew he could tell me I had six months to live with surgery. As a matter of fact, this is the very dream I had the night before and it truly seemed real. With this in mind, I felt I needed to get as many preparations as possible out of the way now, while I had a clear mind. That's exactly what I did.

I wasn't preparing to die, I was preparing to be gone for several weeks. I wasn't preparing to be told it was over, I was preparing to be faced with more than I could juggle. Besides, I'm not afraid of dying, I'm afraid of dying without my family being prepared.

1 comment:

  1. I am not afraid of dying at all. As far as I know there is nothing physically wrong with me, except for cyclical cluster headaches. Strange as it seems, I know when I am going to die and I am OK with it. At age 53.5 give or take a few months, I will pass away. I have always seen my life in advance since I was a Child and it has come to fruition almost exactly, so I don't see this as any different. Just another insight that I had about my life. I am 50 now.