Wednesday, May 19, 2010

We All Have Our Weaknesses

No human is exempt from some weakness. Some of these are physical, some are trivial, some are serious, and still others are almost stupid to those who look in from the outside. My biggest weakness falls into the final category. A completely uncalled for anxiety that directly involves my hubby. The fastest way to send me into a complete panic attack is to tell me something is wrong with John or that I will be separated from him for some reason.

I've had people hear my story or read my blog and comment about how strong I am. Yet I don't consider myself strong at all. I know that it just takes one minor change in things to set me into a pathetic maniac. John has had to deal with a lot from me because of this. Honestly, there is no reason for me to have the reactions I do most of the time but the worst anxieties I have ever felt has all been centered around him.

Brain surgery didn't bother me at all. Yes, I was a little nervous from another uncalled for anxiety of IVs (which I am proud to say I have successfully overcome and it is now just an extreme dislike) but other than that, I was pretty calm considering the magnitude of what was going on. Also, I was able to deal with things my way and didn't have to worry about how others would react to how I felt. I could research all I wanted, take my treatment into my own hands, and not have to worry about stepping on others' toes.

I believe the above gives a good clue to why I have such severe anxiety about things surrounding my husband. While I can still research and learn everything I can about something... ultimately it isn't my decision about what is done. This causes me to panic about things that should be relatively minor... such as a hernia repair or seeing an urologist for male infertility. I know that sometimes I don't give John enough credit for what he does know but sometimes the side of me that says, "I've been there, he hasn't" takes over. He doesn't feel the need to go out of the way to find a minimally invasive and as painless as possible way of taking care of medical issues. He's never had to experience any of it so he just doesn't realize. A prime example of this is the IV he was given in the ER. He often gave me a hard time about being more nervous about the IV than anything. After he got his first IV, he realized what I hated so much about it.

Anyway, I guess I just needed to get some things off my chest so I could move on with some things and hopefully not drive John crazy until he gets his hernia taken care of. I want to believe that it all just stems from me loving him so much, I don't wish for him to have to experience some of these things if it is in any way avoidable. I also believe it is so much worse with him because I know that regardless of what happens, it is ultimately his decision and I have no say in the end.

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