Tuesday, October 21, 2008

I Really Am Just Human

LOL Ok, so the title is a bit strange. I'm just in one of those moods I guess. I guess I need to give a bit of background to explain before I go on...

I get told, several times a day, that people are amazed at how I have handled my journey through brain tumor, surgery, learning it's cancer, and radiation. I've been called (and I quote) "Superwoman, Amazing, Unbelievable, Crazy, etc." As much as I try to explain that I am none of those things, still someone else will read or hear my story and repeat the statements.

I will admit that I have had people who have been through it say similar things. I honestly don't know how else I could have handled this ordeal. Any other way seems completely foreign to me. I think my catch response has been, "When you are diagnosed with something like this, you have two choices. You can crawl into a corner and cry 'woe me' or you can take the bull by the horns and face it head on." I've always been the type to confront problems with a head-on approach. I've always been the type to do things a bit differently than most. I've always been one to push against the odds. I think that MAYBE these things all worked together to give everyone the look at me they have gotten.

I think a friend said it best a few days ago. She told me that she admires the grace in which I confronted this whole thing. To me, that was a compliment with the highest regard. It touched my heart. (Not that I have an issue with everyone saying it's amazing but...) It felt like someone truly got it. It's not that I'm amazing. I'm just like everyone else. I just handle things a bit differently. I'm one that would be faced with a crisis and be the first one to try to jump in there. Mind you, I would have to have a plan worked out in my head but what's that take... 30 seconds in a crisis? Anyway, this is taking me off track from the purpose of this post.

The real purpose of this post is to let down my shield just a little bit. You see, I have become a pro at placing a shield up so that I am difficult to read. Even before all this came about, I always had my shield, in the form of a smile, up. It very rarely comes down... even when I'm very sad or angry. Not all of my days are good ones. I do have my bad. (I have alluded to this a few times in updates.) I have days when it takes every ounce of my soul to get out of bed because I just feel there is no point. I have days when my mind wonders to what I will say to those special in my life when my tumor does take a turn for the worse and I know my days are numbered. I have days when I crawl into bed at night and find my pillow wet before I actually manage to fall asleep. I am just human. I have the same down spots others do, I just handle them with a more positive spin. Instead of staying in bed and dwelling on my "lack of future", I get up and put a smile on my face. Before the end of the morning my smile has convinced me that every day is part of my future so why waste it. When my mind wonders, I let it. I don't dwell on what it is thinking but rather pretend it's my creativity needing an outlet. When I need to curl up and have a cry (I hate for people to see me in tears), I sneak to my bed and let myself go. However, I also tell myself that crying is healthy sometimes and do to myself what I do with others... I think of something funny to make me laugh.

So you see, I have my down points as well. It's how I look at them that is different. It's how I cope with it that is the key to being able to handle this "with grace". I also can't take all the credit. I have been extremely blessed with wonderful friends and family who have provided A LOT of support. I have been blessed with a therapist whom I had the opportunity to get to know well before I was diagnosed. (Would you believe I have dealt with anxiety and depression for many years? See what I mean about the shield?) I have been blessed with faith that has brought me what I need when I need it. Sometimes it's an unexpected phone call, a simple email, a smile from a friend, and sometimes those people don't even realize they are doing anything to help me.

To those angels out there that has been sent my way... THANK YOU. I can never repay you enough. **Huggles**

Faith is half the battle, Attitude and support is the other half, doctors get about 5% credit and only because I don't want just ANYBODY operating on my head. :)

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