The Progress of My Hair

One year ago, this is what I was left with after completing radiation (ignore the markings on my head, this is from Halloween last year. I realized that these are really the only good pictures of my bald head that I have...):






















This is the proof that I have a huge bald spot still... even if I'm much better at hiding it now:
















When I have a good hair day I can hide it quite well, although the 30 minutes it takes to get this really sucks when you are used to it taking about 5 minutes:

















And the answer to the question I am asked the most... Did you perm your hair or is that what treatment did?

Nope, it has always been naturally curly thus why I always had long hair to pull out all of the curl!!! :D

I think it's made some pretty good progress overall. Now to just get that large bald area to get some hair that isn't as light and hopefully encourage it to thicken some. (Or the other side to hurry up and start to straighten so I can do a comb-over!!!)

Giving Thanks, the Christmas Edition

Today I would like to give thanks to some very special people. I think you know who you are. Today on Christmas I give thanks to the greatest gift I have received and that is all of the people who support me through my blog and updates. You all keep me going, keep me positive, and keep me motivated. I love you all and I could never express just how much you all mean to me.

May you all have a safe and healthy 2009 and may I continue to be able to update you for years to come.

Love ya.

Giving Thanks, Christmas Eve Edition

Tonight I give thanks to the Heavens and God himself. He gives us life, guides our life with his eternal light, gave his only son to save us, and gives us hope each and every day.

As many know, I am not the greatest follower of the church but I am a believer in the light of our savior and the grace of his hands. I believe in miracles brought on by our Father and the joy he puts in our heart. I believe in his guidance and his forgiveness. Most of all I believe in him amazing power and that he knows what is best for us at all times. He challenges us and makes us become the best we can be. Sometimes we don't like the journey he puts us on, but it always teaches us things about ourselves and makes us better for it.

I am thankful and blessed for our Father and the journey he has led me on. I never believed I could handle this with the grace I have or touched so many people. I feel my life has finally been fulfilled and every day is a gift.

Giving Thanks, The Twenty-Seventh Edition

For my last Blessing before Christmas Eve, I wish to give thanks for all of my Prayer Warriors out there. I know there are hundreds that are praying for me and those close to me. Most of you I don't even know and will probably never meet but that doesn't make you any less important. You are the ones reminding God that we are not ready to give up this fight and pray that it is his will to keep me around here a little longer.

I know there are churches and individuals praying for me all over the world. We all know cancer holds no prejudices and neither does the power of prayer. Thank you to everyone who has been willing to pray for this little farm girl in Central Illinois who just happens to have brain cancer.

To God, Jesus, Allah, Budda, and anyone else whom you might pray to... Thank you for giving me the Prayer Warriors.

Giving Thanks, The Twenty-Sixth Edition

I haven't liked picking out individuals because there is no way I could possibly thank each and every person that I am blessed to know. However, one person in particular deserves a little extra spot in these blessings.

I know he will be extremely moved and probably embarrassed by me making this post but I wish to give a thank you to a special blessing that touched me this year. I have known of this young man for several years but it was only recently that he reached out to speak with me on a one-to-one basis. This is when I learned how amazing he is. We have since messaged each other on several occasions and each time I learn more about him and feel more gratitude for the friendship we have created.

I don't wish to betray his trust by posting messages he has sent to me therefore I shall simply paraphrase some things that have touched my life considerably, just as my life has touched his. From our many early morning/late night conversations, I give you a special blessing... Bookworm.

He has told me in many ways that I have showed him a side of himself he did not realized existed. He has learned to use every challenge big or small as a stepping stone in life. He credits me with teaching him how to deal with pressure and remain cool despite.

I have credited him with bringing me out of downs many times. Reminding me that life is a journey and we are all on different paths and stages. I fully believe that he will one day be greater than he is now at the age of 15. Last time we talked, he had chosen Engineering as a career to focus on. However so, I still believe that, even if inadvertently, he will help find the cure for brain cancer one day. Just as I have touched and influenced his life, he has mine.

To many more early/late sessions and many more PMs on Plano Hogwarts. I will never forget you or what you have shown me. Bookworm... Thank You.

Giving Thanks, The Twenty-Fifth Edition

Since I haven't wanted to single anyone else out, today I give thanks for something that has been very special to me and I have been very blessed with. Today I give thanks for my blog. Without it, I think there would have been times that I would have gone crazy because I wanted to get things out in an organized manner and no way of doing so. The blog has been a savior to me and allowed me to express myself as needed. One of my New Years resolutions is to try to be more consistent in my posting even if it is about "nonsense" things. I intended this to be a way of updating friends and family and spreading the word about brain tumors, brain cancer, etc. I'm not sure if I've fully done that but maybe some day it will help others. I really need to get better and not caring who is reading this and just putting in my serious feelings. We'll see if I can do this in 2009.

The other nice part of this blog is that even when I am one day unable to post, it will be here and can be updated to get a full look of the story. John can add posts (not that he probably will), Kat can add posts, and anyone John adds as an author can add posts. (sorry better get off of that track)

Anyway, to the thing that has kept me sane... thank you blogger. :)

Giving Thanks, The Twenty-Fourth Edition

Today's thank you goes out to several people who have gone out of their way to help or try to help us on this journey. I can never repay you all enough. Even though I've taken very few of you up on your offers for places to stay, help with my son, help around the house, etc, please know that just knowing all I had to do was get the word out that I needed help was a huge load off of my shoulders. Unfortunately, I am also a very independent person and letting go of anything is hard for me. I also know the path that this journey will eventually take me and I don't wish to use all of my help now when I really do have the ability to still do it. It will be hopefully many years from now before I need you all, but I will keep all of your names close. You have been my angels in waiting during this journey and I thank you all for your offers and support. If I haven't gotten to you yet, remember that I still know you are there and when the right moment comes, I'll be asking.

You all know who you are. Love ya.

Giving Thanks, The Twenty-Third Edition

Today I give thanks for my Medical Team. This team includes my Chiropractor, Neuologist, Radiation Oncologist, NeuroSurgeons, General Practitioner, and even my GYNE. I have been blessed with a fine team for the most part.

In no particular order:

My Chiropractor is fabulous. Not only does he take good care of my back and neck but he has taken a great interest in learning about my brain tumor/cancer and is therefore very good for advice and just to talk. I have often wondered if the injury that caused my whiplash was actually the first step in helping me find my brain cancer. Had I not seen him for this injury I may have never had the Trigeminal checked out and therefore never found the tumor. He is great and I thank him for his ear and the little device he uses called the Activator.

Although I have only seen my Neurologist once to this point, he is very good and he and I clicked very quickly. He was very upfront and honest with me when I saw him about the trigeminal and I know he was as shocked as anyone when we found out it was a tumor. I look forward to working with him further in the years to come.

My Radiation Oncologist is a very nice guy and from what we can tell so far, he did a good job. Even though my intuition still tells me that I made the wrong choice, I do trust that he did what he thought was right.

My many NeuroSurgeons have been an experience. Leaving out the first NS, I have had a very good team. My third NS was amazing and I'm really sorry he didn't do my surgery and therefore is no longer my NS. He and I clicked a lot and I think he was a HUGE part in convincing me to do surgery. I would have probably never done it if not for him. Even my current NS did a great job on the surgery and to that I owe him a lot. The outcome of surgery could have been so much different but I had a good team.

My GP has been with me for almost eleven years now and takes the time to get to know us. He sometimes jumps to conclusions but he always does it in good faith. He has assisted with coordinating tests and the like locally even though he gets little credit for it. He has made my life much easier as a result.

Finally, my GYNE is a wonderful man. Yes, he has nothing to do with my brain but when he found out he was very sympathetic and asked to be kept up to date. I notified his office before I had surgery and they all put me on their prayer list. His nurse was very shocked when I called her the afternoon of surgery to let her know it all went well. She said that the doctor had asked if anyone had heard several times that afternoon but none of them truly expected to hear until the next day. Can you see the heart this guy has?

So to my Medical Team.... Thank you.

Giving thanks, The Twenty-Second Edition

Today I would like to give Thanks for someone I've never actually met and probably never will. However, I know him very well through the CarePage his mom writes. Actually, I guess I should give thanks for all of them not just him. Today I give Thanks to Team Larson. Peggy, Scott, Coleman, and Caden have been an important part of my life since I found them a little over a year ago.

For those of you that don't know, Coleman is five years old and has brain cancer. Coleman has been fighting this beast for half of his young life. He has undergone numerous rounds of chemo, undergone radiation, had a stem cell transplant, and yet he fights. The most amazing part about this young man is his undying faith and servitude in our Father. He understands way more than any five year old should and his faith has never wavered. He is an inspiration to me to not only fight the beast in my own head but to never give up. He has shown me that faith can take you very far in this journey.

Although Coleman's journey has taken a turn for the worse, he continues to fight. Through his frustration, his difficulties, and his journey his faith never ends. Coleman is an amazing little boy just as his brother Caden. Caden has seen more with his little eyes than should have to be seen but he holds on to the light and as they say "Team Larson Nevva Givs Up!!!"

Continue to fight little man until God gives you your angel wings. You are in my prayers and thoughts.

Giving Thanks, the Twenty-First Edition

Today I give thanks to all of my friends on Puzzle Pirates. You have all been there with us through the whole journey and never complain when we disappear for weeks at a time. You guys are all great and I'm not sure what we'd do without you.

So to Zowee, Tim, Luno, Indi, Skippy, Katke, Tishi, and all the other pirates that sail on the Cobalt Ocean. YARRR!!!

Giving Thanks, The Twentieth Edition

Today I give thanks for the person that push convinced me to start the blog in the first place. Her and I go back only a few short years but we have become very good friends in that time. I remember that she was as shocked as anyone by what I told her and really helped me work through some things. After we talked late in the night for the fourth or fifth time she suggested the blog to help me get my feelings out. She also agreed to update it for me when I couldn't be here to do so.

Therefore, to the greatest pirate on the cobalt ocean... thank you Kate.

Giving Thanks, the Nineteenth Edition

I have read from many others who are traveling a similar journey as myself, that employers/managers/bosses can make this journey easier or downright unmanageable. I have been blessed with the boss that understands and cares. I never hesitated about making sure my boss was in on what was going on from the very beginning. I knew he would never hold it against me and that I needed him to know what was going on because this was not a journey I would travel alone. This is why he was called right after I spoke to my husband. He knew something was wrong when I told him my doctor wanted to see me after my MRI. He was certain something was wrong when I asked him to call a meeting so we could talk. Sometimes I regret telling him over the phone because I think that was the wrong way to do it. However, he knew and was behind me 100% right from the start. He allows me the flex time I need to make doctor appointments or whatever and he doesn't say a word if I go a few days with few accomplishments because I sought someone out to vent. He understands that it is as much of an emotional roller coaster as physical. Speaking of physical, he even brought me in a cot to rest on if the hardships of the day became too much when I came back from surgery.

He is never shy of offering rides to doctor's appointments, to pick me up at my house (even though it is 30 mins one way), or telling me to take the time I need. I could hear the relief and shock in his voice when I called him the night I had surgery to tell him everything went well. What that does is proves that he is far beyond a boss but a very caring friend.

For the many offers to help with doctor's appointments, rides, or just an ear... Thank you, Jim, for everything you've done for me this year.

Giving Thanks the Eighteenth Edition

Today I wish to give thanks to another angel sent down to me directly from the man above. This person is a co-worker that actually moved from another company within our corporation not long before I was diagnosed. Little did I know, she would become one of my corner posts in this journey. She has a lot of experience and is very good at recognizing when I am having a bad day. I have spent many hours at her desk chatting with her when I am having a rough time. She has opened my eyes to many ideas that I was too close to see and helped detour me when I was near self destruction. I truly can not find the words to express how much she has come to mean to me in the short time I have known her.

I am sure I have talked to her about medical things to the point she wishes I would go away but she never shows it. Instead she offers the piece of advice, reassurance, or redirection she knows I need. My path led me to her for a reason and I am so thankful for her.

To, Robyn, my angel with the patient ear, Thank you.

Giving Thanks, the Seventeenth Edition

Another person that has meant a lot to me through this ordeal is my therapist Randy. He does not realize how much of a blessing he really is to me. I honestly believe that he was sent to me as an angel straight from God.

I dealt with depression and anxiety issues for almost 10 years. However, I was stubborn and wouldn't pay the money or admit that I needed help. I could handle it on my own... or that's what I thought. Well, the anxiety came to a head in 2007 and John pretty much said, get help or else. Therefore, I finally sought out someone to talk to. This is when I found Randy. I had said many times that if things go bad, I'm never going back. John agreed with this. However, I didn't have to worry one bit. Randy and I hit it off immediately and I was anxious to see what he could do for me. We had been talking for around two months when I was diagnosed with a brain tumor. I remember the day I told him. He was floored... (For the third time since I had been seeing him.) He often found me as an unusual patient because I was not the typical. However, he's talked me through a lot and helped keep me sane. He's reassured me when I needed it, discussed options when I was confused, and watched me for the dreaded changes I was so afraid of. During all of this, he became a friend I could deeply trust.

I remember the very first time I saw him I went in with the impression that it would be my only visit to him. That was quickly changed when I met him. He and I hit it off very quickly and he was very easy to talk to. We had successfully gotten to know each other and had discussed MRIs and what my trigeminal injury might be. I remember very specifically discussing the possibilities that my Neurologist had given about what might be going on in my face/head. We both agreed that it was probably just an irritated nerve. However, my intuition is usually spot on and it told me it wasn't just that. This is why I went in to the doctor after my MRI expecting to be told I had MS. I remember vividly telling him the only thing I was not prepared for was to be told I had a tumor on my trigeminal. It was a remote possibility according to my Neurologist.

The Monday after I found out I had a brain tumor, I had another visit with Randy. I remember asking him if he remembered me telling him what the one thing I was unprepared for was. Of course he remembered but was still floored when I told him what I found. He immediately went into friend mode but also evaluated my mindset as he did so. There have been many times over the last year that I have relied on Randy to help me out and he is always sure to be there.

Randy, thank you for everything.

Giving Thanks, the Sixteenth Edition

Another person I should have really spent more time giving thanks for is my wonderful son.

No eleven year old should have to go through what he has this year. I honestly do not know how much he understands what is going on but I do know he worries about me a lot. He has also, unfortunately, been the recipient of a lot of my mood swings the past several weeks. I think he understands that I don't mean to be that way but it certainly doesn't make me feel any better. I truly love him. He is a wonderful young man.

Speaking of my wonderful young man, he is one of the most compassionate kids I have ever met. He would give you anything if you asked him. He's always been that way. I have to say it is a trait he got from me. I really look forward to having the opportunity to watch him as he continues to grow. He is truly a blessing to me and one of the many reasons I fight this brain cancer and want to come out on top.

He is also a source of comic relief for me at times. I remember after I told him I was going to be having surgery and would have some metal in my head. He asked me just as straight faced as he could "Will magnets stick to your head?" It was a tension breaker and became a running joke with all of us. I think it was truly an innocent question but for a mind to come up with that as the only reply... Ahh he's my boy. He's also a lover. Even at 11 he will take every opportunity to come curl up in my chair with me or give me a hug or kiss. Unfortunately, he's as big as I am and the two of us in a chair get a bit... errr... well he squishes me.

Anyway, he is a great boy and he helped me out a lot this summer while I was recovering. I know I didn't show my appreciation enough but he still keeps giving.

I love you, J.

Giving Thanks, the Fifteenth Edition

I'm going to step back now and give some specific thanks to some whom I either skimmed over or didn't give a very good tribute to. Today is the first of those.

I give thanks for my wonderful, caring, and tolerant husband. He has been tolerant of so much over our 12 years of marriage and I sometimes forget just how lucky I am to have him. I'm not an easy person to live with some most of the time. However, he has done so with no little complaint. Some of my "rules" although in an attempt to protect him, were uncalled for as are some of my extreme views. Sometimes I tend to forget that he is also an adult but I think I am getting better. :)

Over the last 12 years we have been through a lot together. We dealt with the typical "start a family with little to no money," buying a home, "redoing the bathroom" (Some say this is a true test of a marriage), infertility, a heart scare, and now brain cancer. I believe that we have proven over these years that in good times and in bad, we were meant to be together. He's put up with crazy rules, anxiety issues, lots of worrying over me, and lately the moody *bleep* I've become. However, he still loves me and reminds me every day how much he needs me in his life. He just doesn't realize how much more I need him in mine.

I love you, John.

Giving Thanks, The Fourteenth Edition

I will get some funny looks for this post but, I am thankful for the ball that hit me in the face, the brain tumor that was discovered, the surgery that went so well, the radiation that taught me what I am made of, and the cancer that has pushed me beyond what I felt I was capable of. So yes, I am thankful for this past year and a half.

You see, the ball had angel wings. I have no doubt in my mind of that. Had I not been hit in the face, the tumor would have never been found. I have been told that chances are good that by the time I started having problems from this tumor, they would have gone in and it would have been a grade four tumor and they start off by giving you 6-8 months. Anything over that is borrowed time. So it is quite likely that the ball prolonged my life. By how long, we will never know but I see it as a blessing.

Although it was long debated by me and my doubts came and went, the surgery was a huge blessing. It did many things. It made me face my fears of anesthesia and surgery, it removed the pressure that was building in my head, and it found that this tumor was nothing to take lightly. More importantly, it prepared me for what was to come. Five years ago, I wouldn't have been able to deal with the loss of any of my hair. I had long, beautiful hair and I was determined that would never change. After they shaved part of my hair for surgery, I realized I would deal with it. It would eventually grow back and it appeared that it would be in better shape than before. I COULD deal with losing my hair. I could also have major surgery and come out on top with no complications. The pain nor the recovery was as bad as I expected and I truly came from this feeling like I could do anything.

Radiation... as much as it's hard to find anything good about it, there is. It has successfully pushed me and made me accept myself as who I am and see myself through other people's eyes. It doesn't matter if I look like a complete freak without my hat. No one cares. It's me they care about and I've come to find that it's what I care about as well. The same girl that five years ago would have freaked to even cut her hair to shoulder length, is now sitting here looking at her sparse hair and many bald spots accepting that if it doesn't grow back... so be it. If I live long enough to realize it's gone forever, then I have a lot to be thankful for.

Last but not least in this list is cancer. The thought used to freak me out. I would wonder how people could deal with it and say many times that I couldn't/wouldn't. Here I am 29 years old, past surgery, radiation, and watching cancer. It's a smack in the face but at the same time it's proving that I'm stronger than I thought I was. I sometimes find the reactions from people a little ironic when they talk with me after everything I've been through. Many say "I could never handle it the way you are." Just five years ago, I was that person saying the same thing. Now look at me. People are being inspired by me... little ole me. I never in a million years truly believed I could make a difference in anyone's life but I'm seeing that because of this beast we call cancer, I am.

So, I am thankful for the journey I began in July 2007. Through it all, I have learned a lot about myself, my friends and family, and have found determination I never knew existed.

Giving Thanks, the Thirteenth Edition

I'm not sure how to start this one other than to simply say, "Thank you for my love of Harry Potter and the forces that led me to find Plano Hogwarts." Yes, we are a group of Harry Potter fans but we are also so much more. We are family and I am so ever thankful for all of them. I think, being one of the older members, some of the younger ones see me as a big sister and frequently ask for advice. (Ok some of the older ones do too. LOL) Truth is, it is my home away from home and the fact I didn't scare any of them off and they have stayed with me, means a lot to me.

One of the things I opened my email up to shortly after surgery was a wonderful banner they made. I think it says it all and I was so excited to get back to them when I felt up to it. So, I will now say, "I am so ever thankful for all of my family on Plano Hogwarts. You all know who you are but Ann, Cali, Sarah, C, Tiff, Amanda, Nish, HM Shivani, Rae, Chloe, Kelley, Hillary, Wonderboy *wink*, and everyone else... BIG HUGGLES!!!"

Giving Thanks, The Twelfth Edition

Continuing down the friend path, today I give thanks for all my FLYPals. They know who they are. These ladies have been my friends for many ranges of time and their concern, prayers, love, and assistance has been helpful in more ways than they will ever know. I am a firm believer that they have a direct connection to God because when they pray, he replies.

A lot of these friends live up in Chicago and when they found out I was going to be having surgery there, a FLYfest (gathering) was immediately discussed and offers for a place to stay were sent out in the plenty. I had a great time meeting with them the night before surgery and they did a great job keeping me sane as the time ticked nearer. Some sent me tokens of friendship, books and still others came by to visit at the hospital. (Love ya Jules) They listen to my rants, concerns, and just updates. They are quick to reply with little comments, cards, visits, etc and it brightens my days more than they know.

Today I am truly thankful for my FLYPals and I can't wait to see some of you on the 22nd. *Huggles*

Giving Thanks, The Eleventh Edition

Since I had such a great time last night at dance, I can not think of a better place to go next with my Thanks. I give thanks for John and I discovering Square Dancing and all the friends we have made there. We always have a great time and are surrounded by wonderful people while we have a lot of fun. It is also good for my brain and to get my physical energy back up. I still struggle with doing more than a couple dances but I have a blast when I do.

John and I met this wonderful group almost three years ago when we decided to "celebrate" our tenth wedding anniversary all year long. John found a flyer for a free dance night. We loved it so much we began lessons. As they say the rest is history. There have been a great many times over the past two years that I have been really down in the dumps and dance has been able to let me "forget" life for a while and just have fun. For this, I am truly thankful.